HAPPY NEW YEAR [+ A RECAP OF 2014]
WOW! I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by. It absolutely blows my mind and then again, it has been an incredibly full year. This year has been probably the best year of my life. I don’t think that I have ever grown so much – in wisdom, love, perspective, you name it. My hair has grown too! (yes- do you remember? I had it cut so short last year!). I feel healthier than ever, and have mellowed out in a wonderful way. I am proud of myself. I am also thankful and know that I could not have knocked down some of my personal barriers alone. Certainly not.
This year, particularly in the beginning, there seemed to be numerous experiences that were particularly hard. Excruciating, even. I’d trapped myself. I was living to please others, and I kept holding on for dear life to people that hurt me, over and over again. I didn’t want to let go. These experiences stretched and pulled me out of my comfort zones- stripping me raw of the things that I’d been comfortable with, and forcing me to grow strong wings on my own. I’m not sure what exactly was the pivotal point, and I’d say that rather this whole entire year has been a progression in bettering myself. Spirituality was the first key – If I wanted to lead a healthy life and be surrounded by healthy people, I too had to become healthy again. I had to learn to love myself as God loves me – not as others love me. As a fashion model, it is my job to have others like me. So maybe the habit of desiring affirmation became a part of me. It grew on me like a disease, until one day it hurt so bad that I had to wake up and realize what was eating me away. I’d give myself, and give, and give, and give, to make others ‘happy’ but the reality is that I would break down once a month from exhaustion and sadness. What was it all for? I began asking myself the most basic questions, and seeking answers .”What is the most important thing in this life?” I’d asked myself. Happiness. Freedom. Family. Love. Growth. Trials. Lessons. I realized that because I was exhausting myself and wasting energy on the things that didn’t matter, I’d completely forgotten to make this life a happy one, with more time for family, service, and reflection. This was my first and most important wake up call. One that I’d had before, but one that I’d needed again.
The funny thing is that as I learned to love myself fully , while focusing on the basics, good things started to happen. I started really getting to know Scott, who is the sweetest man and my best friend. I shot for Vogue Italia, a fragrance campaign, cool editorials, and became closer to my family. I was doing a lot of missionary work and trying my best to love those in need (but not to seek love. this is key.). I became more confident in myself, and the woman that I was turning into. I was thirty pounds heavier and I loved my body, curves and all. I didn’t see anything wrong, and I still don’t. I was happy. I signed up for school again in the fall. I went to France and bonded with my dad- I let him know that I held no anger, and that I loved him. We rode horses together in the forest and had a great time, jumping over logs and galloping while dodging trees. At this point, I felt much stronger and I was full of love. But still, I had more to learn. Being in a relationship with Scott has been one the most wonderful experiences. He not only loves me, but encourages and pushes me to be the best that I can be. He has helped me achieve so many things in such a short time, simply by giving little pushes and reminding me of how strong I am. He makes me want to be a better person. I don’t know exactly what it is, but the changes that I’ve seen in myself are wonderful and I know that having him in my life has been a huge, gigantic blessing. I’ve learned how to be more patient, kind, forgiving, selfless, and loving. I’ve learned to say “no” to things and people that are not good for me.
Within these past couple of months, I’ve gotten this site running, which had been a goal of mine for quite some time. I’ve lost 30 pounds, which surprised me because I didn’t know that I COULD lose 30 pounds in a healthy way. I’d been making excuses for myself, in fear of becoming obsessive. Scott gently reminded me of how strong I’ve become. To still be wary, but to know my strength. I can do hard things. And so, I did. I feel alive again. So full of energy. I’ve shot for Vogue again, though I see that as a blessing. It is not what’s most important at all. I am just deeply thankful. Mostly, I feel whole.
I am so grateful and thankful for those that have been a part of my life this year. You’ve helped me grow and learn a few very important lessons. I love this life and though there are trials, I know that they are crucial in order for us to gain true happiness and an understanding of certain things. So maybe, I’d say this to you :
L E T G O.
LOVE YOURSELF MORE.
DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
It all ends up being okay. Everything happens for a reason.
Lastly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope that you all have a WONDERFUL new year, filled with love, trials, experiences, growth and wisdom. Don’t forget to gently push yourself, and push yourself to be gentle. Be kind to yourself. You are loved and you matter beyond words. I am so excited for this blog, and for you guys to follow me on this journey.. There are many many posts waiting to be unveiled, so stay tuned! I want to thank you all again. My resolution for 2015 is just to keep progressing and growing. Day after day. To make some goals and dreams come true, while hopefully inspiring others along the way. Bring it 2015!!!