Life after Marriage: Four Months Later!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I can’t. In fact, I hadn’t realized that our fourth month of marriage passed until I started counting back how many months I had left to send out all of my thank-you cards (before I am labelled super-rude). To be fair, I’ve been including little illustrations for each thank-you note and so, it’s been taking a while. That along with life.
So…four months. That’s INSANE! That’s a third of an entire YEAR. Year! I’ve been wanting to sit down and write about my life, where I am currently, how this whirlwind has all settled, and what my thoughts are for the present and future. I kept putting the writing off, however, because between running a blog and work that has been thankfully busy, the time to write is well. . . there, but not the biggest priority. Although it should be.
Every day, especially while I am driving, I think about the importance of writing about the life that I have and the situations that I go through on a day-to-day basis. I think about how important these little notes may be for my future children. I would be able to relate to them, to tell them “hey look, you’re doing just fine. Heck, your mama was really broke, got married at 20, lived a not-so-normal lifestyle, but she still had a beautiful life. It’s going to be okay! Just keep going”. I never want to forget these life-changing moments, as good or bad as they are. They are there for a reason.
Yesterday, as I was thinking about writing this post, I thought about starting off by saying that this marriage is “like a good wine” . . . you know the rest of that expression, except I don’t drink and so it seemed. . . irrelevant. Then I thought okay, “good cheese”? No, not really though. That thought brought me back to the camembert that my grandmother would have in her fridge for too long. The crust would slowly invade the inner cream and turn the whole thing hard and dry. Our marriage is neither of those two (not supposed to be a joke, but sure, go ahead ha!).
And, so I figured it out. I actually will use the wine comparison, because just like a fine wine sitting in a barrel, with age it changes color, flavor , aroma, etc. Marriage, or the relationship between you and your lover, changes with time in wonderful, sweet ways primarily, with some other changes that are welcomed and unexpected, depending on the perspective or desires of a person. I don’t know everything, and I have much to learn, and this, I’m certain, is only the tip of the iceberg, but here are some things that I’ve noticed:
A DEEPER LOVE.
I never thought that marrying Scott could transform my heart and soul as it has. There’s a certain closeness, a deeper love, a mutual understanding that starts blossoming and everything that you thought you knew about love, you realize, was so new and skimming-the-surface. A week ago I went back to the band house where Scott used to live with his band mates. I used to come to this place nearly every single day, and countless hours and moments were spent at this house. However, what seemed so strange to me, was the immediate feeling that swelled my heart as I entered the house. It felt ancient. It felt like the memories and moments and the girl that used to come here every day were so far away, light years away. It felt like another lifetime had happened since I last knew the girl that was me, only one year ago. It blew my mind. My heart used to be frantic, completely ga-ga, unsettled, wired, jumping-on-the-walls. Whereas now, it is deeper in love, calm, settled, and at peace. (My poor neighbors would probably beg to differ, they probably hear us screaming “I LOVE YOU” “I LOVE YOU SO MUUUUCH” every hour or so.) But still, it is a different love. It is a settled, calmer love.
A CALMER LOVE. YOU ARE HOME.
I remember having the chills and the butterflies before opening the band door to see Scott. This would happen pretty much every day throughout the two years that we were dating. Now, it’s completely different. There are no butterflies, which might sound scary to some people, who probably assume “oh NOOoooooooo where’s the SPARK!”. Let me tell you. It’s much better than what you think. Marriage brings two souls together and unites them into one boat. It’s not “me, me, you, you” anymore. It’s “us”, it’s “we”. There isn’t the sometimes-exhilarating fear of “what’s going to happen with us?” anymore. You know how it goes in the beginning; the feeling of first falling in love, dreaming of being together, the thrill of the unknown, the excitement of newness. It’s completely different now because I am deeply attached to Scott. We are together. There is still plenty of unknown, but the most important part that I DO know, Is that we are together. And while I still learn little new things about this man every day, I know and understand him more than I ever have, and there isn’t anything more sweet or wonderful than that. With each and every day, I fall more and more in love with the person that he truly is. Which makes my heart happier than the thrill of the chase. Today I don’t get butterflies when I come to the door. I hear a “My love! You’re home!!!” And there’s nothing better. We are home.
SHARING IS ALWAYS BETTER
Sharing. Sharing becomes the most fun thing to do together, and you’ll almost always rather share. I used to take myself out to lunch, spend money solely on myself, go see movies by myself, the list goes on. I was extremely independent, which is a fantastic thing, and it is something that I still am. This is different. When sharing everything that you love with the person that you love becomes 10000x more fun that doing it with yourself, it’s bliss. There’s a certain wholeness that comes from sharing joy with someone that appreciates you and appreciates the same things that you do. Don’t get me wrong, doing things on my own is great fun too, I love spending alone time (especially with my crazy ticking brain), but . . . nowadays I prefer to have my alone time be doing things like cleaning or errands. I prefer to share the things that bring the most joy, with the person that brings the most joy. It just is that way, nothing more, nothing less.
More goof, I’ll say it again. I’m not sure exactly what keeps us from being entirely ourselves in the beginning of a relationship, but I’ll take a guess and say that it’s the fear of abandonment and being alone, or rejected. I love that Scott and I were able to date for a rather long time (in Mormon world that is), because our relationship only became stronger and sweeter as time went by. The more I got to know Scott and his quirks, the more I loved him (that’s for sure). Well, maybe marriage is like the cherry on top. If the cream of a cupcake (or is it a sundae?) is getting to know each other, comfort, and growth, then the cherry is attachment, unity and the breaking of all walls. ALL WALLS. You’ll be laughing all of the time at how truly dorky not only you are, but how your spouse actually is. It’s the best. It’s so funny. And, with marriage comes the mutual agreement and knowledge that anything too weird is okay, because you’ll love that person forever! And, you know that it is beyond true. And so, the weird really shows. And it’s great.
STREEEETCH IT OUT (your ego.)
More understanding, more G R O W T H. Marriage is not always easy, either. It pulls and tugs and humbles you back down. It’s not about you anymore. Which, for the record, is an adjustment! Looking back on my life before our relationship got too serious, it seems so nauseatingly simple. I would wake up, do whatever I wanted to, then go to sleep. There ya go. Now, however. . . there’s another person to care for, provide for, watch over, love, listen to, and hold. It doesn’t matter if i’m tired — if Scott’s not feeling well or is sad, it is my immediate duty and love that comes and helps him. I have to set my selfishness and ego aside, because I love him more than I love my ego, which is the destroyer of everything (it’s true). (BY THE WAY- when I say ego, I mean the selfish, ‘queen’ part of my personality. I believe that we are equal and I believe in self empowerment and I also believe in taking care of ourselves and knowing when to say ‘no’. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the egotistical part of ego). In conclusion to this paragraph, marriage truly does wring you and twist you until you become a better person. I’d always heard of this saying in church; that everything in this life here to help you grow, including, and particularly, marriage. I never understood until now. And it all makes sense.
I’m sure that there are many more points to be made, more thoughts to be written, but those are my 5 points as of now. Every day I thank God and the world for bringing Scott into my life. Marriage doesn’t mean that life suddenly becomes a fairytale. There will be hard times. There may be some tightening of belts. However, you’ll so clearly come to find that It all works out, and you’d never have it any other way. I am flabbergasted that it’s been four months since we celebrated our love with our family and friends. I guess, like they say, time flies when you’re having fun.
I love you Scott!